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September 06
Edition

Pages in PDF

Regular
Features

› The Fat Lady
  Sings
  with JoAnn Pacholli

› In Tents Thawt
  with Mick Pacholli

› Sid's Comments
  with Sidney
  Somerville-Smith

› The Lie Detector
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   Faircloth

› Fab's Ravings

› Technology
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› Your Views

› The Artful Stock Picker
  with
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› Marketing Advice
  with Andrew Hickinbotham

› Family Issues
  with
  Marilyn Brideson

› The Culture of Appearance
  with
  Suzanne Walker

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› Fab's Travel

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  with Mick Pacholli

› Furry Friends
  with
  Dr Graeme Smith

› Racing
  with Ted Ryan

› Rant & Rave
  with
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› Bowls
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  with Garry Fabian

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› Competitions

Metromind

by Marilyn (Em) Brideson, Psychologist & Life Coach

Friendship rules

The skills of friendship form the basis of good marriages, families, neighbourhoods and communities. But how much time, thought and energy do you give to making and maintaining friendships? Are you a genuine friend, a fair-weather friend or do you have ‘acquaintances’?

Everybody has the potential to make and keep friends, but there are certain skills that we need to have. Some people’s temperaments lend them towards having the sort of character traits that are ideal for communication such as confidence, warmth, and a friendly nature. But what if we’re not born with these? What if we are shy and quite uncomfortable meeting people?  We need to learn them.

Ideally we learn about good friendship in the home. Family members are usually our first friends. But although these friendships may remain forever, for some people parents and siblings don’t last the distance. This week I saw a doormat for sale that read: ‘Friends Welcome (Relatives by Appointment).’ I thought it had some truth. Getting on with family as friends depends upon many factors. But this is a subject for another day.

School provides another ideal place to learn about friendship, and it’s the real coalface of learning. Being isolated, rejected, teased, overlooked or envied are all experiences that teach us rules about relationships. I recall a girl at primary school who used to give out sweets before the grade captains were elected. I wonder if she is still trying to buy favour? Obtaining true friendship requires far more than giving something material.

These days, schools are making wonderful progress in assisting children to become better socialized, more tolerant and more accepting of others. What parent hasn’t felt moved by the current “Circle of Friends” commonly sung in junior schools? Schools better manage the bully and the bullied, and new social subjects are increasingly designed to stop negative experiences impacting on confidence and wellbeing.
Some people seem scarred forever from the emotional pain that others inflict on them.

In listening to them, I am often saddened by how small the event was, yet how enormously they felt it to be.

If you’re unsure about your capacity to sustain and make new friendships, the following checklist might help you.

When it comes to existing and potential friends do you:
• initiate social contact
• show genuine interest in what others do and think
• send emails/phone others just to say hello.
• tell them that you value them
• keep confidential information between you only
• share your true self – warts and all
• think what you can give them, not receive from them
• listen to others and demonstrate patience
• demonstrate reliability and dependability
• genuinely want what is best for them
• encourage their strengths and accept their weaknesses

Clearly most of your answers need to be ‘yes’. If they’re not, maybe you are ready to skill- up in a few areas. Most people are happy to receive friendship. Most will not simply give it to you.

Sadly, some people continue to avoid developing friendships. Their fear of rejection is greater than their need for friendship. Others have low self esteem and wonder why others would even like them. If you observe this in someone close to you, maybe you could lead by example and include and encourage them.

It’s probably true that there are some people who are simply unable to be genuinely interested in others and are happy with their own company. And that’s ok if that’s what they’re genuinely like. But even if we do prefer our own company most of the time, we still need skills of friendship.

For most of us, friends are precious. For this reason, our relationships need nurturing- just like anything where growth is required. Don’t over or under water your garden of friendships. Use just the right amount to keep it thriving.

By Marilyn (Em) Brideson - www.empowerforlife.com

                                email: mpower4@bigpond.net.au

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